I had a great breakfast with a good buddy the other day. In a manner of speaking, we have both been through a variety of life’s skirmishes in the last few months. His were far worse than mine. As we sat, the questions became more personal and probing. Not nosy as much as showing genuine care and interest. It felt good on both sides. 

Afterward, I started pondering about the nature of friendships or relationships if you will. What creates them? What prevents them? Why are we so reticent about letting people in? Is it pride,fear, or even shame? A lot of questions for my poor little brain. All the while, good fun. 

It seems we are social beings. We like to interact and be noticed. We want to be worthy of someone’s attention, to be worthwhile. But what if we are not? Our crazy world scores everything. How you act, what you say, what you are wearing. It causes so many people to back off entirely. Who needs it?  

We fear a lot of things these days. The world is not a pretty place. There are revolts and coups. It seems the big guys are building bigger, better and faster missiles that preclude any sort of early warning. At home, a cyberattack can wipe out your life’s savings. There are a lot of crackpots with guns. Road rage? Fuhgeddaboutit. Better to stay out of harm’s way….physically and socially. 

Why would anyone in their right mind speak up? There are people laying in the weeds just to pounce upon any misstep or faux pas. We seek out friendly spaces that are beyond predictable. We build our own little fortresses. We want comfort even if it is at the cost of discovery.  It’s just not worth it. 

Remember when you first met someone? They seemed nice. You are attracted and want to get to know them better. You open up just a tad bit more every time you meet. You want to be so careful as to not look totally stupid. Each step is a balancing act between openness and wariness. You become more comfortable. More trusting. Maybe even show a few warts here and there. 

Now if you are Joe or Jane Cool, you have never given it a thought. Feel free to exit now. I will probably bore you. But for the rest of us schmucks, interactions with others can at times be a tightrope. At some point we have to be vulnerable, to be dare I say, authentic. This is where the rubber meets the road. 

Life is full of hit and runs. We are all at a cocktail party. Hi’s and air kisses abound. We chat briefly about this or that. How’s the weather? Do you want to hear about my golf game? No and I don’t want to be graced by descriptions of your children and grandchildren. It is not a place for deep conversation but we do look for some form of connectivity. Kathy and I will talk later and say,”That person or persons really seemed nice.” Maybe we can get to know them better.

My wife is more selective than I am and it is a good thing. A buddy of mine said I could talk to a tree. I want to know everybody. I reach out a lot and have been burned a lot. Tragic flaw! Do I want to be amigos with everyone? No, but I want to be open to the possibilities. It is something I have done over the years. Maybe my moat is just not that wide. 

Authenticity to me is simply what I believe and being true to that. I hope that comes across in friendships and in my writing. It is intriguing because there is a debate as to whether that is ingrained from early childhood or an adaptation over the years. I think I will go with the latter. As we learn, we grow. Yet I have to have a basic set of principles. They may come in conflict with yours but I have to know that you are being true to yours also. It is a thing that combines trust with compassion. 

It is odd that we are ingrained from childhood with the opposites. Don’t talk that way. If you take left or right viewpoints, you must be hanging around with the wrong type of people. Exploration and experimentation are becoming more and more taboo. Loving parents want to protect us from all harm. No negative situations. No controversy. Stick with me kid and you will go places. Then again maybe not. 

A relationship or friendship does not have to involve romance or be overly serious. It can be friends just sitting down to talk. But beyond the superficial, you have to be real, honest and yes, vulnerable.  You take risks. There are no guarantees. Our world is imperfect. Not everyone will like you. So what? Think of all the opportunities you might miss.

I take chances with my writing. I am not looking to prove anything. I am taking chances you might laugh at me but maybe, just maybe I will find a couple of kindred spirits who want to share something of themselves.  And that my friends might lead to a deeper friendship for us. I could not think of anything better.

As always 

Ted The Great 

Factoids:

A surprising or unexpected reward causes an extra dopamine release. So every time we do something with an uncertain outcome—taking a “risk”—increased dopamine is released while we are determining what happens. This release alerts other parts of the brain that the activity or situation is new and deserves attention.

One study estimated that it usually takes around 219 hours to become good friends with someone while engaging in small-talk. But it is also common for people who have known each other for years to continue in surface level interaction, failing to develop a deeper level of relating.

Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but rather an expression of courage and authenticity. It is very meaningful to realize you are not the only one that feels a certain way. 

Brené Brown is a researcher and storyteller who’s spent two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Look her up on Ted Talks. She has a lot to say. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.