With all this heat I wonder what is was like for the Jews wandering around in the desert? Imagine trudging aimlessly for years not weeks? Food was short and so were tempers. But this one dude by the name of Moses got out in front. He could talk to God or at least he said he could and people believed him.

Now who was going to mess with him? He went up on a hillside and came back with a tablet and ten numbers. He didn’t even have a chisel. He came back and saw the gang messing around with a gold statue of Justin Biebershitz and blew a fit. Got their attention when he tossed a fifty pound IPad made of stone at them. He took it back to the God App store and got a new one just like that. This guy was good.

He got even better. He could bring down bread from the skies. When he went to Red Sea he decided the shortest way between two points was a straight line when the Egyptians were in hot pursuit. So like every other self respecting Jewish leader would do, he parted the sea. Very cool. Look out Bebe. You are a rookie when it comes to this stuff. Takes years for you to build settlements. Moses put the sea back to where it belonged in a matter of moments. Tough act to follow even for a politician.

Point being there was grousing and bitching among the underlings. They had their Harry Reids and Nancy Pelosi except their names were Reidstein and Pelosiburg. Boehner was Weiner and Cantor played himself. They had become professionals at wandering and it suited them just fine.

Now as it came to pass Moses was getting sick… and tired too. He looked all around for a successor. Someone who had class and of course chutzpah. Not some schmuck. He needed someone to help lead them out of the wilderness. It was going to take new ideas because the old ones weren’t working. He would have to be the bearer of bad tidings. Straight Talk Express.

You see they had worn out the God App and the batteries were low. Solar hadn’t been invented yet so they needed a new source of power. They had to look deep into their hearts and souls. Aha! That’s the answer!

They began to realize they had to depend on ingenuity and hard work. Things sucked and they weren’t going to get better for awhile. They would have to give up the big tents and entourages because there was no way they could pay for them and still make it to safety. They might have to reach out and help their fellow wanderer.

They would have to stop grousing like old Jewish grandmothers. Weeping and wailing, saying the condo in Boca West was too small. The doctor didn’t understand them and they were dying. Oy Veh! Cool it ladies. You were not dying. None of  them were. They  were too fat and had been spoiled all our life. They had taken and taken and gave nothing back. Hmm. Sound familiar?

But Moses searched and searched in vain. You see the leaders weren’t leaders but bull shitters.(Yiddish term) As long as they were lost they had a job. And the troops were gullible. They would believe anything that promised them what they wanted to hear. Some wanted the status quo. Some wanted change. Nobody really thought through the repercussions of their philosophies.

There had to be snake oil salesmen in the crowd. Asp…en and tonic has a nice ring for the newer set. Diamonds for everyone. Ooops, we forgot about the diamondback  part. You could make anything palatable but even then they knew deep down there was no such thing as a free lunch. There is poison in everything but you can last a long time if you just take it in small doses. As a matter of fact you can feel downright immune. Until the BIG ONE.

So fast forward. Some of the Jews became Christians. Perish the thought, some became Muslims. Intermarried. Heaven forbid. New ways of thinking. New beliefs. Some couldn’t bear parting with the past. Some thought they didn’t have to work for anything. Fighting just like the good old days.

But there is no Moses today. Beards are out and Armani has yet to come out with flowing robes. Gucci was never into sandals. We really need someone to step up and bite the bullet. We kid ourselves into thinking he or she is here. That false idol thing. We listen to platitudes and promises. They are in the heat of battle and are so soon forgotten. Then we wait another four years for a new face. Moses, where art thou? We could really use you.

As always

Ted The Great

Moses was an aristocrat. His mother put him in a basket and he went cruising down the Nile….right into the Pharoah’s daughter’s hands. Kind of like Romney coming up from Mexico.

Moses was actually a stutterer. It took him a long time to get to the heart of the matter. By that time people had forgotten where he was coming from. Kind of like Obama.

Moses like many great leaders never saw the fruit of all his work. He went unsung. Nobody named hospitals or freeways after him.

One of the ten plagues he whacked the Pharoah with was mosquitoes. Several of his kin have settled in New Jersey and Minnesota. Hey, it could have been boils or locusts.